There's too much to say, but of late I just keep things to myself and wander off in my own mind.. It's pathetic really..to reach this age and not have the capability to acknowledge reality. It's unhealthy I admit, but I don't have a gigantic wall around me and I don't hide from people. I know that the people that I love will always be there for me, ready to catch my back no matter how awful things get. But, there's always a limit to what you can express to those closest to you right? Or at least, there will always be things that words cannot describe, leaving you to battle those thoughts on your own.
I've been wondering about enemies for awhile now. Who are your enemies and how do you define them? I've never grown to hate anyone enough to declare them as an enemy. But I do know that the one person that I've had such a difficult time dealing with is, myself. I won't say that it's anything new, I've been struggling with myself for a long time. But coming here has made me realize how much it's actually eating me up inside. There's always this voice inside my head that tells me that I'm not good enough.
Why this inadequacy? I wish I have the answer to that,and God I wish I have the solution to that.
I know that I have people who believe in me. One time in college when I attended my first (or second) Cambodia Project meeting and Pak Lan was speaking of how his main aim for the project was to develop his students' potentials. During that moment, his eyes were fixed on me and he pointed out, "Belle, I see potential in you that I know you can't see for yourself." . It meant the world to me when he told me that, but till this day, I have yet to understand what he meant. What potential? What was it that he saw in me and why can't I see this for myself? I probably won't beat myself up as much if only I knew. And I wish I have as much faith in myself as others do.
I'm sorry for the depressing post. I just have to let a part of this out somehow.
On a sidenote, I'm leaving for the UK in a week to visit my brother and my best friends. We'll be spending a night in London to catch Wicked on Broadway! At least one of my dreams is coming true, I've waited for this since my high school days. Now if only they'd somehow move the Harry Potter theme park from Florida to Europe, I can die in peace :)
Till then!
Jaa.
